I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.