I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...