Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: God Quotes

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.