Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
Water is the only drink for a wise man.
Pure Spirit, one hundred degrees proof - that's a drink that only the most hardened...