I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes, Religious Quotes

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

He who limps is still walking.

He who limps is still walking.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never said most of the things I said.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.