I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Quote by Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later...
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
Never floss with a stranger.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...
He who limps is still walking.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the...
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.