If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

He who limps is still walking.

He who limps is still walking.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have...

Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have...

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.