My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Joan Rivers Quotes

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were...

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.