It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Joan Rivers Quotes

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For...

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later...

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are...

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call...

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.