The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.