Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.