A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Quote by Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...