Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Advice Quotes

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...