You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.