Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Age Quotes, Funny Quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.