I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...