He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.