He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then when sentence...

He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then when sentence...

Middle age is Janus-faced. As we look back on our accomplishments and our failures to...

Middle age is Janus-faced. As we look back on our accomplishments and our failures to...

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off...

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off...