She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...