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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do...

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do...

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Think off-center.

Think off-center.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof...

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now...

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,...

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to...

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to...

I refuse to enter a wet T-Shirt Contest until my breasts look more like breasts,...

I refuse to enter a wet T-Shirt Contest until my breasts look more like breasts,...

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.