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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You...

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider...

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I...

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I...

Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in...

Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in...

Absurdity is what I like most in life, and there's humor in struggling in ignorance....

Absurdity is what I like most in life, and there's humor in struggling in ignorance....

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?

A culture is made -- or destroyed -- by its articulate voices.

A culture is made -- or destroyed -- by its articulate voices.