You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You...

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You...

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience...

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for...

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

Religion is just mind control

Religion is just mind control

Behold, he put no trust in his servants; and his angels he charged with folly....

Behold, he put no trust in his servants; and his angels he charged with folly....

I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become...

I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become...