I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Religion is just mind control.

Religion is just mind control.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one...

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one...

Im for the dreamers. The only really important things in history have been started by...

Im for the dreamers. The only really important things in history have been started by...