I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough...

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Think off-center.

Think off-center.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Religion is just mind control.

Religion is just mind control.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...