I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof...

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to...

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

Christmas is a time when you get homesick...even when you're home.

Christmas is a time when you get homesick...even when you're home.

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it werent for Christmas, Wed all be Jewish.

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it werent for Christmas, Wed all be Jewish.