Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: Funny Quotes

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will...

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Religion is just mind control

Religion is just mind control

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Among the abnormal conditions present in modern industrial society are excessive density of population, isolation...

Among the abnormal conditions present in modern industrial society are excessive density of population, isolation...

We can still alter our course. It is not too late. We still have options....

We can still alter our course. It is not too late. We still have options....

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big