Quotes by Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

#Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

#Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

#Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

#Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

#Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

#Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

#Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

#Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

#Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

#Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

#Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

#Steven Wright