Quotes by Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

#Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

#Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

#Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

#Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

#Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

#Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

#Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

#Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

#Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

#Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

#Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

#Steven Wright