Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

#Funny, #Sex

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

#Funny, #Marriage

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

#Truth

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

#Age, #Funny

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

#Kids, #Parents

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

#Parents

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

#Drink

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

#Love

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

#Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

#Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

#Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

#Rodney Dangerfield