Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

#Funny, #Jokes

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

#Funny, #Jokes

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

#Funny, #Jokes

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

#Funny, #Sex

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

#Funny, #Marriage

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

#Age, #Funny

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

#Truth

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

#Age, #Funny

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

#Kids, #Parents

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

#Parents

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

#Parents

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

#Drink