I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

Quote by Dean Martin

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's...

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's...

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,'...

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,'...

I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello,...

I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello,...

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks...

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks...

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...

I would rather have an inferiority complex and be pleasantly surprised, than have a superiority...

I would rather have an inferiority complex and be pleasantly surprised, than have a superiority...

Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.

Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

If your attack is going too well, youre walking into an ambush.

If your attack is going too well, youre walking into an ambush.

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And...

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And...

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.