The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...