My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.