My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...