My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...