My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a...

One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a...

A rabbi should not despair if people do not do as much as they should....

A rabbi should not despair if people do not do as much as they should....

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were...

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were...