I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...