I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

Topics: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes

I would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep...

I would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep...

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are...

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are...

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to...

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to...

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and...

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and...

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so...

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so...

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I...

If youth knew; if age could.

If youth knew; if age could.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero...

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero...

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to...

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to...

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

I am one boob, you are the other boob and together? We are breast friends.

I am one boob, you are the other boob and together? We are breast friends.

There's a certain part of the contented majority who love anybody who is worth a...

There's a certain part of the contented majority who love anybody who is worth a...