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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider...

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will...

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will...

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to...

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to...

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an...

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an...