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When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for...

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for...

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more...

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to...

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Today's students can put dope in their veins or hope in their brains. If they...

Today's students can put dope in their veins or hope in their brains. If they...

That song, for me, is about drugs and alcohol and loss and love. It's about...

That song, for me, is about drugs and alcohol and loss and love. It's about...

Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still...

Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still...