I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Funny Quotes, Mom Quotes

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

It seems like the older I get, the more unreal the world becomes.

It seems like the older I get, the more unreal the world becomes.

Age steals away all things, even the mind.

Age steals away all things, even the mind.

I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.

I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.