What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Loving an old bachelor is always a no-win situation, and you come to terms with...

Loving an old bachelor is always a no-win situation, and you come to terms with...

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry...

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry...

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat...

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat...