I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: Children Quotes, Family Quotes, Memory Quotes, Mothers Quotes

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an...

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an...

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

The status quo sucks.

The status quo sucks.

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

The Constitution of the United States is not a mere lawyers' document: it is a...

The Constitution of the United States is not a mere lawyers' document: it is a...

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those...

Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those...