I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
Quote by George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof...
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...
Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...
When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Do you believe in immortality? No, and one life is enough for me.
There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers...