I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess...

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a...

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony...

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone...

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Faithful servants never retire. You can retire from your career, but you will never retire...

Faithful servants never retire. You can retire from your career, but you will never retire...

God, to me, it seems, is a verb, not a noun, proper or improper

God, to me, it seems, is a verb, not a noun, proper or improper

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I...

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I...