I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait...

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Religion is just mind control.

Religion is just mind control.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

It's like when people talk about driving F1 cars in the rain. I have absolutely...

It's like when people talk about driving F1 cars in the rain. I have absolutely...

A people who's primary aims are driving, shopping, and television are subject to terrorism at...

A people who's primary aims are driving, shopping, and television are subject to terrorism at...

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.