Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day
Quote by George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...
Always do whatever's next.
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You...
Religion is just mind control
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do...
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...
Most of American life consists of driving somewhere and then returning home, wondering why the...
If we were driving pure hydrogen automobiles, that automobile would actually help clean up the...
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.