If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've...

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Home is where you hang your head

Home is where you hang your head

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer...

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer...

The best time to make friends is before you need them. Ether Barrymore

The best time to make friends is before you need them. Ether Barrymore

Mind is the battery cell, Intelligence is the switch.

Mind is the battery cell, Intelligence is the switch.