When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

What though youth gave love and roses, Age still leaves us friends and wine.

What though youth gave love and roses, Age still leaves us friends and wine.

Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for...

Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with...

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with...