When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If you think you're alive then...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If you think you're alive then...

Better off dead, yeah better off dead, why don't you try pushing daisies instead.

Better off dead, yeah better off dead, why don't you try pushing daisies instead.

I'm just a bastard child, don't let it go to your head. I'm just a...

I'm just a bastard child, don't let it go to your head. I'm just a...