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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...
#Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
#Steven Wright
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
#Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
#Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...
#Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
#Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
#Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...
#Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
#Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...
#Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
#Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
#Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
#Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
#Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
#Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
#Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
#Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...
#Steven Wright
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