Quotes by Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

#Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

#Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

#Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

#Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

#Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

#Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...

#Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

#Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

#Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

#Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

#Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

#Phyllis Diller