Quotes by Jack Handey

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

#Funny, #Jokes

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

#Friendship, #Love

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

#Love

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

#Love

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

#Love

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

#Love

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

#Love

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

#Love

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

#Love

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

#Love

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

#Better Off Dead

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

#Better Off Dead