I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

Love is blind. It will take over your mind. What you think is love, is...

Love is blind. It will take over your mind. What you think is love, is...

If life gives you lemons - make grapejuice. Then sit back and let people wonder...

If life gives you lemons - make grapejuice. Then sit back and let people wonder...

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to...

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to...