Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Better Off Dead Quotes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Honor the ocean of love.

Honor the ocean of love.

And then, what is the spiritual being that does not know its Sacred Self? But...

And then, what is the spiritual being that does not know its Sacred Self? But...

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling...

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling...