Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Better Off Dead Quotes

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

To love one child and to love all children, whether living or dead --somewhere these...

To love one child and to love all children, whether living or dead --somewhere these...

I dote on myself, there is that lot of me and all so luscious.

I dote on myself, there is that lot of me and all so luscious.

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only...

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only...