If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Better Off Dead Quotes

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call...

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call...

Better off dead than chillin' with the feds.

Better off dead than chillin' with the feds.

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.