Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I have one thing that counts, and that is my heart; it burns in my...

I have one thing that counts, and that is my heart; it burns in my...

I wish I had never known you. I was happy before even when you were...

I wish I had never known you. I was happy before even when you were...

God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain.

God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain.