A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Holiness is neither that passionate love of the beginning, nor the tormenting anxiety of the...

Holiness is neither that passionate love of the beginning, nor the tormenting anxiety of the...

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses

When love is not madness, it is not love.

When love is not madness, it is not love.