It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Sometimes you're better off dead. There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your...

Sometimes you're better off dead. There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your...

Better off dead, yeah better off dead, why don't you try pushing daisies instead.

Better off dead, yeah better off dead, why don't you try pushing daisies instead.