It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Attachment to spiritual things is.. just as much an attachment as inordinate love of anything...

Attachment to spiritual things is.. just as much an attachment as inordinate love of anything...

I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love

I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love

Stimulate the heart to love, and all other virtues will rise of their own accord.

Stimulate the heart to love, and all other virtues will rise of their own accord.