It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

And I told myself I was in a trap from which I wanted to escape!...

And I told myself I was in a trap from which I wanted to escape!...

Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!

Conquer the devils with a little thing called love!

Love is like a mirror. When you love another you become his mirror and he...

Love is like a mirror. When you love another you become his mirror and he...