If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Friendship Quotes, Love Quotes

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

The only thing that makes life possible is a permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what...

The only thing that makes life possible is a permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what...

So much of our time is preparation, so much is routine, and so much retrospect,...

So much of our time is preparation, so much is routine, and so much retrospect,...