If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Friendship Quotes, Love Quotes

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you...

A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you...

A friend in power is a friend lost.

A friend in power is a friend lost.

I have loved many, the more and the few - I have loved many that...

I have loved many, the more and the few - I have loved many that...