If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue…

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Love Quotes

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be...

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be...

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs,...

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs,...

Just at the age 'twixt boy and youth, When thought is speech, and speech is...

Just at the age 'twixt boy and youth, When thought is speech, and speech is...

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you...

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you...