Quotes by George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

#George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more...

#George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...

#George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

#George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called...

#George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

#George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

#George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in...

#George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to...

#George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How...

#George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

#George Carlin

Think off-center.

#George Carlin