I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: George Carlin Quotes

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad...

The status quo sucks.

The status quo sucks.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain....

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain....

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I...

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called...

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left...