You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Quote by W C Fields

Topics: W C Fields Quotes

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to...

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to...

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like...

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like...

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid...

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what...

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what...

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull...

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull...

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a...

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a...

I never met a kid I liked.

I never met a kid I liked.

A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape...

A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape...

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand...

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand...

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget...

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget...

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink...

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink...

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat,...

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat,...

Moreover the word of the LORD came to me, saying, Son of man, eat thy...

Moreover the word of the LORD came to me, saying, Son of man, eat thy...